Friday, July 18, 2008


A long running debate exists between myself and my scholarly friends. An argument that can only exist in the innermost circles of the wisest folk in the halls of academia. A query that may appear so simple to answer when first heard, but upon deliberation can easily turn the mind into pudding. Delicious banana pudding.

Q: Who would win in a fight; Polar Bear with chainsaw arms or Elephant with razor blade trunk?

I know, right? Your mind is blown. But before you start your own inner-war, take in to consideration the following:

The polar bear can tap out at 10 ft. tall and 1500 el bees. They are very agile, have extraordinarily strong necks, and the power of deception in that the elephant might want to hug him because of the cuteness factor. Make no mistake, if the elephant goes in for a bear hug or a goochie goo, all the local polar bears will be enjoying elephant burgers for weeks to come.

The elephant is the wild card to me. A herbivore, so right away I'm thinking sorta thespian, but they can reach 11 ft tall and up to 12,000 lbs. Their tusks can grow to nearly 10 ft. long and mercy to you if you get between it, and it's Express for Men sunglasses. Weaknesses would be a soft underbelly that the bear could easily climb beneath and hack away at, and his cumbersome movement, thus limiting his range with the razor blade trunk. Strengths are pure size advantage, and large amounts of flesh to cut through before you hit anything vital. Not to mention, if he gets a hold of a black feather, it's like heroin for an elephant, they become delusional and think they can fly. Nothing more dangerous than an elephant willing to throw it's body around so haphazardly.

Contest rules: Each animal will be wearing a suit that simulates the temperature of it's natural environment, and they will be fighting in an iron cage, with cement floors, so no one animal is used to the habitat. No referee, no throwing in the towel. Unlimited 5 minute rounds until there is a victor, no outside help from another animal holding a folding chair. To keep the animals motivated the audience will be nothing but crying kindergartners. Prizes include the winner of the match getting a shopping cart, and five minutes to hand pick as many of the kindergartners as possible, to eat, or stage a production of Little Shop of Horrors, whichever they prefer. If the winner handpicks the child sitting on the hidden star chair, the animal will get a round trip ticket to visit the spouse of the loser to deliver the remains of said loser and dance on them in front of said spouse.

Let the debate begin.


Jacob said...

Well, the ground to belly distance of an elephant wouldn't be that great a place for a large polar bear to throw himself in fight, to me that just says, "I'm gonna lay down so you can tromp all over me cause it's a tight fit down here maybe I can manage a swipe in with these chainsaw arms".

But on the other hand, the elephant is only two thirds as motivated to win, the first third being survival. But the polar bear has three things worth fighting for. With favorable or poor reviews of Little Shop, he still has a catered cast party for one afterward.

Micah said...

What if the polar bear has a stomach full of broccoli? That would be motivating for the elephant. Get to that broccoli!

Jordan said...

Erm, the polar bear doesn't stand a chance. Remember on that show Planet Earth when the polar bear fought the littlest walrus and LOST!?! Yeah, he just died of starvation, and the awesome documentaterarians just watched him because they were impartial observers. This was all because of global warming (I guess polar bears eat ice. And walrus when the ice melts.) So, fact of the matter is, until you stop driving your danged SUV, that polar bear doesn't stand a chance, chainsaw arms or no.

moldy said...

How much gasoline does the polar bear get for the chain saws? Are they two stroke chain saws or electric?
IT might be a draw because I think the polar bear might run out of gas and the elephant would forget it had razor blades on it's trunk and try to scratch himself thus wounding him.

devon and alicia said...

Silly elephant NEVER forgets. He knows his blades are for one thing and one thing only...making little polar bear orphans.

octopusofthesea said...

you left out some of the contest rules. when you outfit each of these animals with their suits and weaponry, they will not instinctively know how to wield them. A bear's natural fighting instincts involve a lot of slashing with paws, and if his whole arm is a chainsaw, this tactic will prove cumbersome and more of a danger to himself than the elephant. As for the elephant, the trunk is not his primary weapon, so even if it were covered with razor blades, he might not know what to do with them. The question then becomes: who is a faster learner? also, who is allowed to train the animals? a well-trained elephant has a height advantage for sure, and while the bear is reaching up with his heavy chainsaw arms, the elephant could reach higher, and bat the saws down with his tusks, and follow through with blows from his razor trunk. end of life for the bear. BUT! if the bear were taught to just run around to the back side of the elephant (bears have a better turning radius than elephants), he could cut off the elephant's back legs in short work. (pun!) the elephant would bleed out as the bear watched, laughing. So the question is, which animal would take better to training? That is the ultimate winner.

Joseph said...

I'm not sure if training is a factor with these blokes. When animal rage kicks in, all form goes out the window and it's a straight out carnal affair. I'd take the bear, just because I think he'd want it more. The elephant would certainly fight his heart out to be sure, but I think the bear would be imagining the shopping spree for little kids. His mouth would be watering before the fight even started. Game over for the Ollyphant.