Friday, October 10, 2008

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Here's the delicate flower in full bloom...she's a charmer!

Joseph, my friend. I can't believe anything else needs to be said, but to drive my point home even further, allow me to paint a picture for you to more fully grasp the gravity of the situation. Jillian's androgyny should be the least of your concerns. I hate to do this in such a public forum but...

Setting: Joseph's parents' house. It's a beautiful spring day and Joe has finally decided it is time for his parents to meet the new "girl" he's been dating. The couple pulls up on a motorcycle, and the driver helps Joe off the rear seat. "She" takes a passing glance in the rearview mirror for bugs in her teeth and after a careful tousle of the hair, makes a quick motion with her head to Joe as if to say, "Let's do this."

Walking into the house, Joseph announces their arrival to his parents- "Mom, Dad?"
"This place ain't bad." Jillian says as she surveys the home from the entry way. Overhearing Jillian's comment from the other room, Joe's sweet mother responds as she comes out to greet them, "Oh! Is that Devon's voice I hear? I didn't think he was comi..." she stops short as she notices that Devon in fact did not come which means the booming voice she heard could have only come from the "woman" standing next to Joseph. Right at this moment, Joe's burly and brawny father comes in from working on a project in the basement-shaping rebar into Disney characters with his bare hands for the grandkids or something like that. He stands next to his wife as Joe introduces the mannish parody of womanhood at his side, "Dad, Mom, this is Jillian."
"Pleased to meet you Jillian," his father says extending a hand as a warm gesture, "welcome to our home." Jillian reaches out and grasps the outstretched hand and gives it a firm squeeze as she shakes it. "Thanks. Whatcha bench?" is her response.
"I-I'm sorry?" he replies perplexedly-his right eye twitching slightly as he focuses on not passing out from the pain.
"Forget it." she releases her grip and walks past everyone into the kitchen. "What's for dinner?"

The evening continues, but a propensity to become longwinded in narration combined with the sheer lack of ambition prevent me from providing a full play by play.
Let me just briefly summarize the remainder of the night's events: Jillian complains her meat is overcooked (it's chicken),excuses herself to remedy her five o'clock shadow in the bathroom, and marks her territory on a houseplant. After dinner at Joe's folks' place, she invites him to come back to her place where she lights some candles, puts on some soft music and forces him to shave her back and administer testosterone and anabolic injections. So romantic.

Delicate little flower....

This post has little to do with Children Kids, however, I am appealing to the fans of the cartoon to settle a debate between myself and the "Hate King" known to be Devon.

Some of you may recognize the vicious little angel above from "The Biggest Loser", a television show that gathers girthy people up in to a gym, where they bottle their sweat for natural cures and aphrodisiacs. Her name is Jillian Michaels, and she is one of the trainers on the show responsible for shouting and hitting the living bean bags until they feel enough shame to stop eating.

The debate: Man or Woman

I say woman, Devon says man. I say woman because I'm extremely attracted to her, Devon says man because of her Adam's apple. I say woman because I think the features on her face defined and unique, Devon says man because she looks like a silver back.

I believe that most of Devon's motives come from his hope that I might never achieve happiness and he will do anything he sees fit to keep me from falling in love, like calling my new found fancy a lumberjack, Yettie, or pre-op transvestite. Because he doesn't want me to be happy, I cannot trust his opinion on the subject of her gender. So what if she can beat most men to a pulp? That's adorable. Who cares if she pees standing up? Who doesn't? And is it really that big of a deal that I would let her strangle me until I almost pass out? Exactly.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

i think you may have met before… ZAK!

As the star of Episode 1—Happy, Sad, Mad, Happy, Full—we’ve introduced Zak a few times before, but don’t stop reading just yet—there’s more!

Zak is a highly imaginative child, who keeps to himself… and he’s perfectly fine with that. With genuine sincerity and childish exuberance, he plays out elaborate scenarios during recess. Retreating to the private world in his head, Zak is chums with the Sun, friend to the birds, and a champion leaf diver. Innocent, and slightly awkward when forced into social settings, his alcoholic father is convinced that his boy is a coward and a wimp—beliefs that he is not afraid to share with his son. Zak does his best to keep his emotions bottled up and buried beneath a happy facade. However, suffering many years of mental abuse from his sad-making father is beginning to take its toll on poor Zakary, causing the lines between reality and fantasy to slowly blur.

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check out Camille’s how-to post on making Zak.